My battle with a malignant narcissist

Chapter 1

So I’m on night shift now. I’m at a relatively new job. Been here about 2 months. It’s corporate security for LG&E KU. The job is a lot and can be incredibly demanding as we oversee over 100 sites across Kentucky and Virginia. We deal with access control, alarms that alert us to possible suspicious activities, equipment failures, weather, fires, etc. On day shift I would take around 100 access calls a day and deal with a grab bag of mayhem. Switching to nights was a bit of a shock as I deal with… not much at all, but 2 operators have to be here 24/7/365.

I can’t have my own computer in here or use the internet on our work computers. But I have my phone. I think maybe I should learn to take use of this time and that means getting organized. It’s something I’ve been putting off way too long and the mountain of content I have to pour into the multi year narrative just keeps growing.

I tried to go no contact with REDACTED because I got sick of always trying to turn a benign conversation into a fight. Poking and prodding me trying to get me to react. This was our last conversation. It seemed to be going okay and then REDACTED asked me if I wanted him for Thanksgiving, already planning on not letting me have him.

All this may not seem too bad but it’s just a continuation of a pattern that I’ve had enough of. REDACTED lives to rage bait me and I’m not taking the bait anymore. It’s a pattern I plan to fully demonstrate as I fill out my story.

I made it nearly 3 weeks without talking to REDACTED. I try not to go too long without seeing Apollo. It’s difficult getting time with him because it just can’t be a simple task but a tedious one.

I got to see Apollo a week and a half prior at my mom’s. I spend 3 hours with him before I had to go home. When he saw me getting ready, he ran to the door attempting to turn the door knob. At first I thought it was him just arbitrarily playing, but my mom picked him up and took him to the couch. When she set him down, he ran to me crying. It broke my heart. I picked him up and went to the couch with him, held and soothed him. Eventually he got distracted by this toy car he can sit in and I had to sneak out, crying the whole way home.

Fast forward to a few days ago, I have a few off days coming up. I wanted to get him for a couple of days. I tried to use 3rd party contact using someone who watches him frequently and I live with. REDACTED wouldn’t relent. I had to be the one to contact her REDACTED said to use a parenting app we have used in the past.

We made plans for me to get him 9AM Thursday to 9AM Saturday. The morning of, REDACTED asked me to bring him a jacket and shoes for him. I got those, a pair of socks, and a sippy cup full of milk ready for him.

The exchange went pretty well compared to past exchanges. I took him, put him in his car seat and a pair of socks on him.

REDACTED had told me he wasn’t feeling well and woke up fussy. When we got back home I could tell he wasn’t feeling 100% but he was doing ok. He ran around the living room and playing with all his toys.

Every time I have him I’ll notice very subtle differences in his behavior. Just because of his development.

I noticed this time, a slightly different type of cry. For instance, he drops a toy and goes “Waaaaa.” It seemed like a forced cry and I thought it was funny and cute and of course I always tended to him immediately as I ALWAYS have done. I’ve never ignored his need for attention ever.

I also sent REDACTED $50 which is something I’ve been trying to do weekly. We don’t have a child support agreement and he’s also not legally my son which are things REDACTED dragged her feet on for months and held over my head to manipulate me and have a modicum of control.

The following is a conversation we had the first day I had Apollo. I blocked REDACTED thereafter.

I truly cannot win. I changed his clothes and sent REDACTED money. This can’t even qualify as the tip of the iceberg. It’s just a symptom of what I’ve dealt with for years. The very moment I react, it gets clipped and used against me. So I’m done engaging. The only tragedy is that might mean me not being able to see my son.

The last text I sent her before deleting the app was:

I wanted to go no contact for a reason. I wanted to have third parties deal with setting up arrangements for Apollo. I am so sick of the way you treat me. It doesn’t matter what I say or do, you’ll continually find fault and antagonize me. Make me feel awful even though I’m trying. So I’m just going to delete this app. This is ridiculous. Apollo will be dropped off Saturday morning. I’m done with this. It’s so unnecessary. 

I’m a great father. I’m trying my best. As I said before, this story just keeps growing and I’m struggling to keep it all straight in my head. I have a domestic violence order against me despite me never committing DV.

I have been screamed at, threatened, harassed, manipulated, and abused.

I need to start organizing all this and getting my ducks in a row so that this harassment can stop.

I won’t be using REDACTED name or posting pictures or recordings. REDACTED being recorded is very triggering for her to the point where REDACTED has taken my phone in the past to make sure I wasn’t recording and that I wouldn’t call 911 or me finding my Ring camera that was charging inside on my front porch wrapped in a napkin and confined in a Tupperware bowl.

Right now all I have is a whole bunch of puzzle pieces and I need to put them into a clear, cohesive picture.

I hope that each one of these entries can work as a puzzle piece and once I have enough I can start building a clear picture for me, for REDACTED, for the courts, and I’d like the world to hear my story. I think this is something far too many men deal with and are silent because they have to be or because they think they should.

I am near certain if REDACTED catches wiff of this blog, REDACTED will take it as a sign of aggression. REDACTED will take it as violation of the “no unlawful contact” order we have or call it slander. She has threatened to throw me in jail for much less or made up reasons.

I’m not going to back down. I am exercising my 1st amendment right and am telling nothing but the truth.

I’ve got plenty of time on my hands now and a whole lot bouncing around in my head to get out.

This is where the story is presently. Now I must go to the past…

There is just so much I’ve never shared and I’m tired of dwelling in it.

Most of all, I am tired of my son being used as a chess piece.